Self Care in times of grief

Self Care in times of grief

Last Monday, May 18th, my younger brother Javier passed away.  The idea of him now being around anymore brought deep sadness to my life.  That first night after his passing, I couldn’t sleep.  Memories flooded my mind.  Remembering our childhood years - when we used to argue for just about anything.  Our youth years - when we became inseparable as we went to places ministering together in worship  Our weddings, the birth of our kids, family gatherings, celebrations, outings, our Christmas together - and how he would complain that he would get only one gift - for both Christmas and his birthday, because his birthday was on December 29th.  I remembered our last time together. He was in the hospital and we came to visit for his 45th birthday.  We sang for him, and laugh and made plans to sing again when he got better. He was so happy that day.  We prayed for him.  I had no idea that was going to be the last time I would get to see him.  


During the first two days, I didn’t even open my bible and I refused to pray.  I was so sad.  My son Adrian said he was worried I would never smile again.  I was trying to process this great loss - I am still trying to process it.  My brother is gone - and just the thought of it makes me cringe.


A few days ago I decided to open my bible   Something came over me - I needed healing.  I needed comfort and I knew I wasn’t going to find it anywhere else, but the Word.  It is when God showed me that self-care is more than taking care of my body - it is also taking care of my heart.  I love this quote by Anne Lamott:  You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”  I will never, ever forget my brother and all the things we got to do together.  He will forever live in my heart and in my memories. 


There are four things God showed me during this time of grief.  


  1. Impregnate with the Word of God.  2 Timothy 3:16-17 says “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,  so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” In the word of God we can find every tool we need to go through every situation we face in this life - including grief. Psalms 23 is one part of scripture in particular that brings peace to my heart.  I started to read through the word and I felt a supernatural peace to take over my emotions.  I am hurting - yes, but I am also experimenting the healing process that only the Word of God can bring. It is like a balm is being applied to my broken heart.  I might have the scars left one day, but my heart will be mended because I am letting God mend it. I am letting go and trusting in God, because after all, “the waves and wind still know His name”  .  1 Peter 5:7 says "Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. "

  2. Pour your heart out to Jesus in prayer.  I read somewhere this phrase “prayer is good for the soul.” That phrase has stuck with me throughout my life.  It is so so true! Prayer is indeed good for the soul.  We need to come to God in prayer.  Sometimes, we can’t even say the words.  Sometimes, our tears fill the prayer room.  That’s the beauty of prayer - we do not need fancy words.  We do not need to “clean up our act.” We can come to God - just as we are - and say whatever is in our hearts - or come to him with our tears.  Philippians 4:6-7 says “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.” You know, there used to be a time when nobody could come to God in prayer just at any time - there was a ritual to be followed.  But Jesus came and destroyed that ritual and now we can come to God in prayer at any time.  Let’s not take it for granted.  Try it - pray - just tell God what’s in your heart.  

  3. Keep up with your journaling.  I wrote a whole blog on this.  Check it here.  God will show you very interesting things - things you won’t want to forget.  Write them down.  King David wrote many Psalms.  A lot of them reflect the situation he was facing at the time - like Psalm 3, he wrote that when he was fleeing from his son Absalom. Also Psalms 18 - he wrote that one when God helped him flee from King Saul.  He wrote these psalms and many others because God was showing him beautiful truths and now we can benefit from those writings as well.  

  4. Surround yourself with the right people.  Make sure you have a support group.  I am so grateful for my husband.  He has been there for me every step of the way.  Sometimes, all I need is a hug and he has done just that.  My brother was very much loved.  There have been so many words of encouragement from people who knew him.  It has been so encouraging to read messages that have lifted our spirits up.  Proverbs 12:25 says "Anxious hearts are very heavy, but a word of encouragement does wonders!"  Words of encouragement have indeed done wonders for my soul.  I am very grateful.  People who didn’t know him, but know me, have also given us words of encouragement.  It has been very uplifting.  


Self-care during difficult times is a gift from God. Let us not waste that precious gift. 


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